


I've Lost What I've Lost

by sunflowersandsunshining



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Fading Away, Sad, Sickness, TW: Vomit, first person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 00:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13283346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersandsunshining/pseuds/sunflowersandsunshining
Summary: The Inquisitor falls ill and Cullen fights desperately to help her.





	I've Lost What I've Lost

I had become increasingly weaker in the weeks leading up to that moment.

Dozens of doctors had come and checked every inch of my body, looking, searching for something, anything that was wrong with it. 

“I feel weak, and sometimes it just… hurts,” I coughed, trying to help the doctor help me.

“Perhaps it’s just the flu.” She responded, scoffing indignantly. “Have you tried elfroot? That should help.”

And so I tried to fight it off. I convinced myself I was doing fine despite my skin growing more and more pale and my breathing more and more labored.

Deep down, I knew it in my heart: something was wrong. But what could I do? 

My limbs ached more than usual; like my bones were made of tiny black holes that sucked away my energy and weighed down my body like lead. 

What could I do?

Cullen was taking the news worse than me. He always wore a worried face around me, trying to convince the both of us that everything was okay. “Take it easy,” he whispered before we went to bed one night. “It’s going to be alright.”

He insisted that he come along on any further expeditions to ensure my safety, which soon became an excuse for him to always accompany me. It was a relief; there were many times where I slumped onto his shoulder in pain or exhaustion, and he always was there to comfort me until I was stable again.

“I’m okay,” I said weakly into his ear during one of our trips to the Hinterlands. “I can walk on my own.”

“No.” He responded curtly. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

I sighed, a small smile gracing my lips as I allowed him to practically carry me around during the rest of that journey, resigning myself to his strong, gentle touch. 

Other times, it would strike in the middle of night. A snake, coiling up my lungs and taking my breath away in the worst way possible; Cullen would jolt up, panicked breaths running fast from his mouth as he tried to find a way to help me. Or perhaps, save me.

“Dear, please, not now,” He cried, tears brimming at his eyes. “No, I can’t lose you. No, no, no…” 

His voice was shaky and hoarse, his face agonized as he watched me fight for air. Eventually I gasped, life filling my crumbling lungs. Cullen sighed, and I saw him smile for the first time in a while.

But things soon got worse.

“In my reports, I read of a young man whose mother had “cobwebs” in her lungs that you helped in the Hinterlands. Perhaps this is related to that. We should contact him immediately.” He sighed, his face pale from exhaustion. His fists were glued to the war table, determined to find something, anything to help me. 

Leliana looked at him curiously. “You should take care not to become as sick as them,” she pointed out gently. “We can’t afford to lose the both of you.”

He turned to her abruptly, his eyes shining with a fire that I had thought was reserved for the battlefield only. “I am going to help them,” He said through gritted teeth. “No matter what.”

“I’ll send word to my contacts from Nevarra,” Josephine cut in. “Perhaps they’ll have an idea what it could be.”

“Yes.” Cullen said, a quiet anger boiling in his voice. “You will.”

I turned my back to leave, my body tired from the mere act of standing still for a few minutes. I started to walk away before Cullen’s voice cried out to me. 

“Inquisitor, please, let me help you.” He called. 

I fell to my knees, unable to stay upright as Cullen rushed to my side. “I’m okay,” I said hoarsely. “Just a bit tired.”

He looked at me, plagued by worry. “I shall not fail you.” He whispered into my ear as he carried me back to his quarters.

He wanted to stay near me at all times; he wouldn’t let me go anywhere, instead always opting to do the task himself. 

“I’m going to go tell Cole something,” I had said, attempting to stand up. “Perhaps he…”

“No, I can do it.” He responded, gently pushing me back into bed. “What’s the message?”

I knew it wasn’t going to last much longer.

But what could I do?

In the darkness of the night, I tried to stay strong by his side. His arms were always wrapped around me tightly, his protective nature going into overdrive when we slept together. I knew he was having more nightmares. He never admitted it, but I felt his arm gripping me every time he woke up; he would sweat, gasp, cry, and then grab me gently, but tightly; making sure that I was still there. 

“I don’t think it was the flu.” I laughed weakly one night. “Usually I’d be better by now.”

Cullen didn’t laugh at that joke. 

I felt utterly helpless. Weeks had passed, and nobody was able to find out what was wrong with me. I knew I was living on borrowed time. 

But Maker, I wish I had borrowed some more. 

I was lying awake in Cullen’s bed, his soft breathing peaceful for the first time in a while. Perhaps he was having a dream of better times. Perhaps I was in a wedding dress, beaming from ear to ear as I walked down the aisle to him. Perhaps he had whispered _Maker’s breath_ the moment he saw me; he knew he had made the right choice. Perhaps our kiss was coupled with exciting shouting from our friends and family, rejoicing the fact that some stories have a good ending after all.

Perhaps. 

But I was stuck in reality, fading away like dust in the wind, becoming a ghost of my former self. 

And then I found myself becoming the wind itself as my guts contorted inside of me, bringing vomit to my lips like a confession long overdue. I heaved over the bed, trying to find breath to fill my lungs, but it felt like I was in a vacuum; my mind was racing with too many thoughts at once and I felt completely overwhelmed.

_I’m going to die,_ I thought, hot tears spilling out of my still retching form. Cullen was now awake, saying something that I couldn't hear. It was like he was a million miles away, and in that moment, I never missed him more.

I felt his arms around me, and suddenly I was in his lap looking into his anguished eyes. He was crying, too, and I tried to supress my sickness for long enough to hear him again.

_Just one more time,_ I begged the Maker and Elven gods above. _I just want to hear his voice one more time._

It was becoming darker and darker, my vision hazing into a dreamlike state as I felt myself slipping away. His eyes were wide above me, staring into my face, looking for a sign - any sign - that I was going to be okay.

“Yell, scream, cry, please, just say something, anything.” He begged as his voice broke through the static in my brain. “I love you too much to lose you like this. I promised I would help you… Maker… don’t let me fail again, no, no, no...” He sobbed, and I managed a weak smile from below him. 

“I love you too.” I managed to say before my world was swallowed whole and everything went completely black.


End file.
